When I was a little girl. . .

I had a big epiphany the other day: My whole life I've always wanted to be more grown up. I strive to be older, desire independence, and seek a lifestyle higher than my age bracket. I've always been on the more mature side of the scale than not, and most of my friends are much older than I. This is fine, and not something I can change, it's just the way I am. However, I realized the other day I've been trying so hard to be a grown up I've lost focus. I've put so much pressure on myself to be more mature, do mature things, act like I'm 30, not make mistakes, get my life together etc, that I've forgotten who I am and how to live.

When I was a little girl I used to play the wildest games. I had such a vivid creative imagination you could put me in an empty room with a box and a piece of string and I'd have a fantastical world with dragons and unicorns dancing to the depths of each corner within 5 minutes. I was happy as a clam and I LOVED my play time. It didn't matter if I had a play mate or if I was by myself. I even wrote a book once based on a game my friend and I made up at the beach one day. It involved evil invisible dragons that you could only tell where they were by their claw scrapes in the sand.

There are 2 friends in particular who I remember vividly having the most imaginative play times together. We would play house, where we each played multiple characters, and we'd make up the rules as we'd go, spontaneity being the base of the game. And we had no humiliation, no shame. We just played as things came to our minds, never a dull moment in the story. We'd play lego and build unimaginable castles and fortresses, we'd play barbies and horses and ride off on long adventures through the woods and the clowds. We'd play playmobile and trolls and hot wheels and transformers. We'd play dinosaurs and lion king figurines. We'd play with fruit and vegetables, office supplies and furniture. We'd play with anything that was readily available to us wherever we were.

And yet here I am. I've forgotten how to be creative. I've forgotten how to have fun and play. The base of my childhood has somehow been lost in my eagerness to grow up and gain control of my own life. This must change.